When You’re Not So Nice To Yourself

Happy Thursday! I’ve been enjoying a few days in Pittsburgh this week and it’s been so good to be home with my favorite people. Linking up with Amanda today to think out loud. 🙂

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On Monday, I was talking about my marathon training and I shared that one of my goals for this week was to eat more because I felt kind of weak and down last week. I’m running further and training harder, so I need more calories! #science

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While that logically makes sense, I am struggling mentally with that idea. Mostly because this week, I am thrown off my “normal” eating schedule. I am in Pittsburgh visiting my family and while I love every moment that I spend with them and every meal that we eat, I am having a hard time being okay with my food choices. A few years ago, I would’ve completely restricted myself and been the person at dinner who couldn’t or simply wouldn’t eat certain foods. I am not really like that anymore, but this week is letting me see how much I still like to control what I eat for every meal and how interruptions are not welcome. I don’t restrict myself anymore, but I DO mentally beat myself up when I eat one of those foods that is “not allowed” (by my standards). While I have made great strides in eating, like not counting every single calorie I eat and paying attention to protein, fat, and carbs (you know, the good things), I still have work to do. So what’s the problem?

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I am mentally beating myself up at every meal. With every snack. And it is driving me crazy. I am labelling everything I put in my mouth as “good” or “bad” and I feel like I have been eating way more of the bad, even though that is not true at all. My youngest brother has his driver’s permit and wanted to go out for food yesterday before I dropped him off somewhere. Or he dropped himself off. I don’t know, he has his permit, so he was driving and I was the passenger. 😉 Anyways, we shared a 12-piece chicken nugget from Chic-Fil-A and I mentally had a panic attack because OMGfastfoodIcanteatthisnowImgoingtobefat. But how can I say no to spending time with my baby brother? I can’t. And I won’t.

One of my closest friends from high school is expecting a baby and we went out to lunch. Besides our awesome two and a half hour conversation, here’s what I was thinking:

Broccoli cheese soup: bad. It’s a cream-based soup. That’s terrible for you.
Pecan crusted chicken salad: bad. dried cranberries and nuts on a salad just add extra unnecessary calories. Ugh, why did I order this?
Strawberry lemonade: bad. So sugary. You should never drink your calories.

I literally found something wrong with everything I put in my mouth at lunch. Two hours later when I was getting my hair done, I found myself telling my mom how terrible my food choices had been that day. I have many things to say about this because I KNOW I sound crazy. There is probably something good and bad about everything we put in our mouths. But do we need to think and talk about it all the time? No. However, there are articles on Facebook and Pinterest and all of our favorite websites about how to get healthier, be healthier, blah blah blah. It’s thrown in our faces all the time and personally, I love reading about health…but it’s obviously getting to me. One bowl of cheesy soup will not kill me. My salad also had spinach and chicken in it. And strawberry lemonade just tastes good. Also, as an aside, NO ONE cares about what I put in my mouth yesterday except for me. When my stylist heard me telling my mom about lunch, she said, “Oh my gosh, I love strawberry lemonade!” She didn’t hear the panic in my voice about all the bad choices I made. She also didn’t look at me and judge me by how I looked when I came in. Because in my head, I gained ten pounds at lunch. OY.

So where am I going with this?

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I need to practice self-love. I hear the term self-love and I think crazy voodoo weird things and possibly also meditation, but honestly, maybe I need to meditate. Hahaha! I like to think that I am nice to other people and try to build them up…so I really need to work on doing that for myself. I hear that “one bad meal won’t make you fat just like one good meal won’t make you skinny” mantra playing in my mind…but what happens when I eat a few meals in a row that I deem “bad”? Keep moving forward. Make better choices next time. Enjoy your damn life. Another personal goal is to stop identifying food as good and bad. I really really really don’t want to do that. Do you do that? Probably not.

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My family loves me. My friends love me. My dogs love me. Now I just need to love me.

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18 thoughts on “When You’re Not So Nice To Yourself

  1. And your blog followers love you too!! Girl, you know I don’t even have to tell you that this is still me. ALL THE TIME. I always have to think about what I eat before I do. I think it’s a good and bad thing because you want to find the balance between being careless about your foods and letting it control you. I think it’s something we will both probably struggle with considering our past history, but we always have one another to lean on…you know the cool thing that comes with make friends in the blog world. I could probably go on forever but i’ll spare you 😉 XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

  2. Hang in there. I’ve been in your shoes and it’s awful. Especially when you’re made huge strides but mentally you still struggle with your choices even though you’re more willing to eat things than you used to. There isn’t much you can do other than ride it out. I promise, it does get better.

  3. Self love is some of the toughest love. I find myself doing this quite a bit especially with marathon training. Feeling bad for eating some pasta? My body needs it but somehow my mind has difficulty accepting it. Just remember your friends, family, readers! are all here for you! Sending lots of positive vibes your way 🙂

  4. We are always sooo much harder on ourselves than others. I sometimes feel the same way, but usually not until after I eat it. “Yeah we just ate out but let’s get ice cream!” And then after that I feel so bad about myself for indulging. But I would never look at someone and be like, “Oh my gosh they ate a burger and now they’re eating cake!” Just know you have a huge support system, both in real life and online. 🙂

  5. You gotta figure that you’re working off those calories when you’re running and training. Your body needs fuel! It’s ok to not eat great this meal, just try to eat better the next meal. Life is all about choices but I totally agree you shouldn’t beat yourself up after each meal, it’s not very productive!

    if you eat well most of the time, a few little indulgences here and there are okay! Don’t be so hard on yourself girl! Running and training are long journeys and each session and run are moving you towards your goal!

  6. It’s very hard. In fact, I’m going to my parents this weekend and yes, I’m that person — know that my mom pretty much never has healthy food, I bring my own breakfasts & lunches. And then I proceeded to eat all the carbs this afternoon for some unknown reason (impending period? perimenopause really sucks).

    I’d like to be the person that just goes with the flow and eats anything, but maintaining my weight is difficult for me & quite frankly, I’m happier at a healthy weight. So I do try to walk that line.

    Oh, and my parents do care how I look. Which also sucks. They instilled a lot of my problems with food.

    So I can’t say I have a lot of advice for you!

    • Ah that is the worst. I can’t say that my parents ever “helped” me form this horrible, negative body image I have of myself…I came to these conclusions all on my own. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you. Even though you are careful about what you eat by bringing breakfast and lunch, at least you know what works for you!!!

      And I hear you on the cravings front! Carbs are always a good idea, right?! I don’t even want to explain how many tortilla chips I have consumed this week.

      • Sadly, for me it was crackers. Then a granola bar. And popcorn for dinner. If I get a period in a couple of weeks I’ll know why this happened (being 53, I don’t get them regularly, but I still get them – so far!

        At least I’m running 8 miles today. 🙂

  7. I definitely know how frustrating this process can be. You feel like, no matter how far you’ve come, you still have so long to go. It does get better, though, and the voices that plague you get quieter and quieter until you can’t hear them anymore. Just hang in there and try to remember not to micromanage things so much. It’s all about the bigger picture, and 5 years from now, a salad, lemonade, or chicken nuggets aren’t going to make a lick of difference in your life.

  8. Oh. My. Goodness. Kylie, this is exactly how I feel. Now I have never counted calories, but I have been on two different diets that had “good foods” and “bad foods”, one more so than the other, and I have been feeling recently that I was really sick of it. But then when I try to step out and relax a little, I have a really hard time not berating myself afterwards. Ironically, whenever I’ve been in someone else’s house, I have an easier time of being relaxed about food, maybe because I’m not in control. But even then, I still tell myself that I shouldn’t have certain things, even when someone has made it especially for us. And on the self-love side – I totally have the same problem. I had an aha moment recently, and realized that I love many people, but whenever I am being talked about or am the center of attention or I think anyone might like me even a little, I am very uncomfortable. Why? Because I didn’t see myself as being *lovable*. In fact, I don’t just not love myself, I often HATE myself. How can I expect to live a fulfilling life when I hate the one person (besides God, of course) that is guaranteed to be consistent throughout the whole thing? So I too am working on self-love. It is SO hard, but I expect – if I ever get to the point where I accept myself – that it will be worth it.

  9. Your honesty and vulnerability really inspires me. I know it’s easier said than done but focus on loving who you are. Our body is capable of so much. Think of that food as a way for it to power through. You’re an incredible person. Lean on your faith. Thinking about you, friend!

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